“Too big to hold”. The title of an article I was reading, but the implications caught my mind and it wandered…
Eighteen and twenty-one. Years. Old. My sweet babies are too big to nestle in my arms, to hold, just below my heart, but the memory is etched forever on my being. I cuddled each in my arms when they were mere moments from Heaven and my soul leapt in recognition. Our eyes met and a glimpse of Home swirled away in the depths of each blue/black galaxy gaze, as they peered back at me with a slightly unfocused, stunned expression. My heart captured that fleeting moment, of sharing the miracle of creation, experiencing a tiny window of becoming a celestial being. Too big to hold are my feelings of inadequacy in the care and nurture of these celestial gift‘s, and I wonder, does my expression reflect theirs? Are we both stunned by the fear we feel? How long before they realize I’m faking my mother role?
Too big to hold. Now, twenty-one years later, the stunned expression is a part of my countenance. The joy tempers the sorrow, and in spite of my mistakes, my inexperience at parenting, they progressed. I am daily impressed and scared to tears and prayer by their individual ness. I take no credit, they were gifted with incredible spirits from birth.
I know now, they knew I was faking it all along, as they were sent to teach me. From them I am learning to continue to try even when I keep landing on my bottom. To reach, even if what I’m focusing on is just beyond my grasp. To know I can do something, just because I think I can. I am trying to learn to love unconditionally, to be a better daughter, mother, wife, sister, and friend.
Too big to hold. My gratitude to Heavenly Father for the opportunity to grow and be taught. My joy in my children, and my prayers for their future. My sorrows in my impatience at their demands, and the opportunities to grow that were and are missed, due to my selfish desires. The knowledge (and terror) that my lessons aren’t in any way learned, and I must continue to be taught and tested. And the desire to learn the lessons, and return with honor to my Heavenly home.